There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
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ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card