Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
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GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Do not levitate over flowers
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.