Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
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14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break