my mind
You just read my mind
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At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day