Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
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Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
NASA has no chill
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.