This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
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My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*