This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
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Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname