inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
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Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.