Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
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Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
“our sushi is very fresh”
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.