Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
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Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Interior design 👌
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it