I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
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When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.