Baller is short for ballerina
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“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!