I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
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[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist: