[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
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I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair