*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
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I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”