My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
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[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
I had to Stop for this
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!