If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
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The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
This will teach them to underestimate me
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
very niche meme I made
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family