At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
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They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.