Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
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Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Hmmmmm
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?