3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
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“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
#Caturday
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
This hospital has everything
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.