[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
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Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”