A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
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Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.