Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
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Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
They got Raph!
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
I can’t stop laughing at this
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”