every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
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I’m confused about plants
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
These are my emotional support Pringles.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Rooting for the overdog
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
“OMGJK” -atheists
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*