If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
You Might Also Like
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*