At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
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Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
dogs can find happiness so easily
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
my astrological sign is a french fry
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
What personal space?
My dog
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk