Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
You Might Also Like
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.