this will hang in the louvre one day
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[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
accurate
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
me 2 months after i graduated
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.