Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
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When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.