My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
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God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Dishonest mechanic?
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.