I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
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The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Hot hot hot 🥵
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.