My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
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Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
oh my gosh!!
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes