a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
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To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
My birthstone is a marshmallow
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*