Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
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My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.