How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
You Might Also Like
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
…..pretty much.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Any refunds available?…
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.