Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
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*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?