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My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Respect
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”