When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
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i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then