The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
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My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day