Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
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My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Self-cleaning conscience
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?