“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
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Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext