My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
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Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.