Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
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A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
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Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*