It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
You Might Also Like
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do