Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
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him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.