What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
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Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
definitely did not do anything wrong
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.