A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
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*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Plumber: I think I found the problem
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI