Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
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DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun