“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
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Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!