I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
You Might Also Like
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.